Twisted Mantra
by Oyuki
Summary: Aoshi and Misao have not spoken to each other for four years even though they live in the same house. What changed between them? Be gentle, it's my first RK fic!
1. Defeated by You

Disclaimer: I own Rurouni Kenshin… I really, really, really, really do! It's sitting on my shelf as we speak… really! All those DVDs are mine! Hey! Hey, wait! Don't run away! I'm serious! I really do own it!

Prologue

Misao ran as fast as her feet could carry her. She had to make it. Don't die, Jiya, Aoshi-sama. She thought. She had to make it in time. Her heart was pounding in her ears and her side was starting to cramp, but she didn't stop. She couldn't stop. Her eyes widened and her heart almost stopped when she opened the door of the cabin. "I made it in time!"

A smile formed on her lips as she saw the two men still standing, but her joy quickly faded when she saw the blood rush from Okina's mouth and his tonfa fall to the floor.

"It's over..." Aoshi said stoically.

All she could do was stare at Okina's broken, battered body. Her mind could not believe it. Her eyes widened as Aoshi brushed by her, as if she weren't there, and out the door. She stared at Okina's body on the floor then turned around facing Aoshi's retreating back.

"Aoshi-sama!" she yelled after him, her chest still heaving. Her heart beating at a frantic pace.

Aoshi stopped for a second but did not turn around to look at her.

"Why...why?"

"Get lost. Never show yourself in front of me again," he said in a cold tone.

All Misao could do was stare at him. This could not be her Aoshi-sama. This wasn't the Aoshi-sama she loved and trusted her life to as a child.

"Tell Battousai that I'll be waiting for him with Shishio." With that said, Aoshi walked away from the teenager, not looking back at the devastated girl or her broken heart.

Chapter 1: Defeated by You 

Aoshi walked through the halls of the Aoiya. To everyone there his presence seemed forced, unnatural even. Like the presence of a ghost haunting the place where the physical body died. No one was glad he was there, but then again no one wanted him to leave. Maybe no one knew he existed anymore.

His actions against Okina, though forgiven, were an ever present reminder to everyone of what power could do to you. Of what it had done to their once beloved Okashira. His actions against Battousai had also been forgiven by him and all those around him. But they had not been forgiven, nor forgotten, by Aoshi himself. And there was one more person who had not forgotten or forgiven him for his actions. Misao.

She was far from a child when he had seen her again all those years ago outside that cabin. And she was even further now. At twenty, Misao was a stunning young woman. She was beautiful, smart, and overall a very good catch for any available young man.

Yet she remained unmarried. He had to wonder why. Her spirit was the same as always, as bright and carefree as any child's, though she was a child no longer. And he could not help but notice that she was a full grown woman. But he had to wonder again at the fact that she wasn't married. Yet.

A nagging feeling, a familiar one, popped up in the back of his mind whenever he thought of Misao. It always raised the same questions. He was distracted from his thoughts, however, by Misao herself. She was sliding the door to her bedroom closed just as he was passing by. They're stares locked, but was almost immediately broken when she turned her gaze away. She walked by him without so much as a backward glance at him.

Yes, she was as bright and carefree as always, just not with him. Never with him. Not anymore.

To everyone in the Aoiya she was the same old Misao. Always joking, laughing and being happy. But it had been many years since Aoshi had last heard Misao joke with him, laugh with him. That pleasure was reserved for everyone but him. To the inhabitants of the Aoiya, Misao had grown up, but had retained her lighthearted nature, but to him, that Misao was long gone. Replaced with a grown up woman whose face looked as if it would break if she tried to smile.

And he longed for the other Misao. The one who loved him. The one who laughed with him even though he never laughed aloud with her. He longed for Misao to acknowledge he was back home. SEQ CHAPTER h r 1 He wanted her to talk to him, even if she was cold and distant when she did so. But she didn't. And she had not spoken to him since he'd fought Okina. He would never forget her last words to him, words that rang in his head over and over again like bells in his nightmares . _Why? Why? Why? _

Her voice echoed in his mind like a twisted mantra. _Why? Why? Why?_ He shook his head. It did him no good to think about his. It would change nothing, he knew that because thinking about this for the last four years hadn't done anything about it.

Briefly, he wondered if he should confront her about it. It being their relationship, or lack there of. He also briefly wondered about her. What went on in her head. If she ever thought about salvaging what was left of the two of them. What was left of him.

If there was one thing he knew, and that all those in the Aioya knew, was that he wasn't the same as before. He was not a whole man, but a shell of his former self. The shell of a man that no one seemed to want to help. Yes, all those around him held respect, and deep down he was still their Okashira, but no one helped him. No one wanted to know him anymore.

He wished he hadn't been blinded by revenge and pettiness. He wished he hadn't been blinded by his want to be the best. He wasn't the best. And he knew that now. And it had destroyed a part of him. A big part, and not all of it had been pride. Yet no one bothered to ask him. Certainly not the one person he wished to help him. To heal him. To restore that part of him he'd lost. To return his spirit to his body so he could stop wandering aimlessly through life.

It was hard. No one knew how hard it had been to hold back with him. How hard it was to be near him all the time and not throw herself at him. He'd crushed her in more than one way that day four years ago. And since then, she'd been keeping a tight leash on her feelings. She loved him deeply, but she didn't think he deserved that love. He'd betrayed them. Okina, herself, and their friends. He sworn he was doing it for them but that's not what they wanted. That's not why they died.

She wished they could put it behind them. But she couldn't. And he couldn't. She never thought she was capable of holding a grudge, but the one she held ran too deep. She didn't deny loving Aoshi, and she would even admit that she had turned away young men because of his memory. But she could not undo the damage.

Her emotions were twisted into a knot that would not give way. Her love, her compassion, her forgiveness, were intermingled and coiled tightly with each other to the point where she didn't know which was which.

Misao desperately wanted to give up her facade and tell him she loved him.

But she didn't know if that would be betraying herself. Her honor as a friend, a family member.

Misao smiled sadly at herself and wondered when she had become like him.

Tbc…

AN: Please be gentle when reviewing, this is my first Rurouni Kenshin fic. I hope you guys liked it. And there is supposed to be a page break between "wandering aimlessly through life" and "it was hard" but for some reason it's now showing up. I hate when the format gets screwed up! And there's a funky kind of html thingy in the middle of this and I don't know why… Anyway, please review! I know this is short, but rest assured that I will continue this and I'll do my best to keep it up to your expectations.


	2. Time Cannot Erase

AN: I've decided that chapters for this fic will be short. I've decided this because as I was writing this short chapter I found out that I will be giving _a lot_ of insight into their minds. Of course there will be a plot… I think. I have to work it out some more but rest assured that they will talk things through… someday… and they'll come to a decision… maybe…

Disclaimer: Aoshi Shinomori and Misao Makimachi do not belong to me. They belong to the creative mind of Nobuhiro Watsuki. Also, chapter titles will most likely be lines from songs or song titles. I do not own those either.

Chapter Two: Time Cannot Erase

_You used to captivate me _

_By your resonating light_

_But now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

_._

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

My Immortal— by Evanescence

The nightmares never left. They were torture for a soul as stained as his. Why did they still haunt him? Hadn't he repented enough? Hadn't he lost enough of his soul to them already? Would he have to lose his sanity as well? He didn't think it would ever end. This eternal damnation he was condemned to. Eternal damnation for living, breathing flesh and bones. If everything was taken from him, that's all that would be left. Aoshi scoffed. Everything had already been taken. He was only a man after all. Man did not attempt to play god without learning that he was not, in fact, god. Man could never be a god. He was, after all, only flesh and bones. Easily broken, easily made to bleed.

Aoshi shook his head. Every day he was more and more convinced that he was in hell.

His mind returned again to Misao. So loving, so carefree. So innocent to the lust of power, revenge and greed. Could he really have her? Him, with his bloody, murderous hands? If she were, by any chance, to become his, would he dare touch her? Would not his hands damn her as they had damned him? He would taint her. He would rip away her innocence. Could he, in good conscience, even dare to _think _that he could ever have her?

But he could, couldn't he? He could dare to dream? To hope? To desire? There is no harm in wishing? Is there?

But deep inside, he knew that he wanted her. He wanted her to be his. To call out his name in passion, to bear the fruit of that passion. His children. Her children. He wanted it. He wanted it all. He wanted her. He wanted his salvation. Would he be denied his salvation? Surely no god could be so cruel as to deny salvation to a repentant sheep.

Yes. He wanted her. And he would do everything in his power to have her.

Misao yawned and stretched in her futon. These were strange hours to be awake, but she could not bring herself to close her eyes and sleep. Her mind was too alert for that.

She had often had encounters with Aoshi similar to the one this afternoon, yet every time she did she could not help but find herself wanting to let go of her grudge and tell him of her feelings. It was getting harder and harder to appear indifferent to him. She loved him. Childish infatuation had somehow turned into adult love.

She had dreams of letting go of everything and confessing. But each dream would conjure images of her dead clan members and her resolved would strengthen.

She had to hide her feelings. She had to be indifferent. She could not betray their memory. She would not betray her family. She had a duty as a clan member. For them, she would do anything. Even if it meant locking up her heart in a frozen coffin.

Tbc…

AN: Sorry for the delay and the shortness but shrugs Anyway, I don't think I'll be able to get another chapter out till August 'cause I'm going out of the country in a few days and I won't have time to write. I'll be back at the end of July, but then I have to start school. But, like I've said before, I've only ever not finished one fic and it will stay that way. Now, please read and review!


	3. The Monster You Are

AN: I wish this had been out sooner and I wish it was longer, but oh well. There's not much interaction in the fic yet but wait a while. And besides, I said that this fic was more about delving into their minds and seeing what they were thinking more than anything. Anyway, chapter is short, but I also warned about that. Anyway, I hope that you enjoy this. I'm tired and didn't really feel like checking the grammar and stuff, so please excuse any mistakes, it's almost one thirty in the moring and I've been up since six.

Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and all of its characters belong to Nobuhiro Watsuki, not me. It's sad, I know.

Chapter Three: The Monster You Are

As much as she loved him, she could not help but wish to never see him. Anything to alleviate the burden of guilt her heart carried. She loved him but the love was tainted with guilt. She knew she should not love him, but who can tell the hart whom it can and cannot love? Misao wiped her brow with the back of her hand. It was quite hot in the Aoiya and wiping down the tables was not helping her mood. It seemed that Aoshi was all she could think of nowadays. She scoffed. Who did she think she was kidding? Aoshi was all she could think of for the past few years. Since she'd grown out of that infantile crush on him and it had matured into love. Unrequited as it was. Why were emotions so confusing? Why were there so many versions of the same feeling? She was sure her life would be much easier if she didn't love anybody, or anything. If she didn't have such strong sense of loyalty than she would be free to love Aoshi. Where did one draw the line? Was she wrong to deny her heart what it desired most? What _did_ her heart want? She felt unsure now. "I don't know anymore," she whispered to herself. She wasn't sure she knew herself anymore. There were times when she felt like shouting to the world that she loved him, but her loyalty was too strong. She couldn't love him anymore. He had rejected them, everything that he had held dear to his heart on his senseless quest to be the best. The best in what? The best fighter? When the world and Japan no longer honored their type of fighting? When the world now no longer strong men who knew about honor and who were willing to sacrifice their lives for the sake of what was right? The world was changing and there was very little of that left.

In this new era, where honor was no longer as valuable as it had once been, could she uphold hers? Could she place, and keep, her honor above everything else, including the desires of her heart? IT was getting harder and harder every day to turn away from him and act as if she did not care when all she wanted to do was run her hands through his hair and taste his lips through his kisses. She longed for the touch of his hands on her body, for the heat she knew his body could offer. But she could never bring herself to act upon her love. Or her lust. She had to be strong because he was not deserving of those things.

With a frustrated sigh she once again began to wipe down the tables in the restaurant, not even aware that she had stopped. She felt the sting of tears behind her closed eyelid. She stood up straight and took deep breaths. She would not cry for him, for what he so selfishly, so easily, and perhaps unknowingly, discarded. She would keep her emotions in check. She loved him with all of her heart and soul but she would never give him her heart again. She couldn't.

He watched her from the doorway silently. She would wipe down the table and she would stop, her actions were so erratic that he wondered what was going on inside her head. Her expression was so guarded at the moment, and it made him ache for the old Misao. The one who wore her heart on her sleeve for him. He had made up his mind the night before to do anything in his power to have her, but now, having her so close his resolve all but vanished. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It took all of his strength and will power to perform the simple act of clearing his throat to get her attention.

Misao straightened from her position and looked quickly at the doorway. If she were no so practiced in the ways of keeping her emotions inside she may have called him Aoshi-sama like she used to. And there stood her Aoshi-sama in all his morning glory with his sleeping yukata on but not a hair out of place and not a sign of sleep in his eyes. He looked perfect, like he always did. She looked him in the eyes defiantly, wondering what he would do next. "Yes?" she asked simply and without emotion.

The looked at each other, straight in the eye. Neither one of them wanting to be the first to look away, and wanting nothing more than for everything that stood between them to disappear.

It took him a long time to answer. He didn't know how long he stood there just looking at her, but after a few moments her answered in the calmest voice he could muster, "Do you need any help?"

Emotions welled up in her chest and it took all of her will not to show any outward sign that she had been affected by his words. Yes, she needed help, but not cleaning or wiping the tables. She needed help on trying to keep her emotions to herself, keeping herself detached from. And who better to help her than the king of ice himself, but she could not, would not, bring herself to accept anything from him. She would never again leave herself open for him to reject or hurt her again. "No," she said coldly and turned herself around quickly starting her task all over again and doing her best to ignore his imposing presence behind her.

* * *

He would have sighed at the obvious dismissal if he had not known that it would be of no use. _These are the consequences of your actions._ His mind screamed at him. Shaking his head he turned around and left the way he came. _There will be other opportunities._ He walked to his room to gather his bathing things and headed for the bath house. His chest felt heavy and his head was filled with thoughts he didn't know what to do with. Lamenting was of no use, this he already knew. But he didn't know what else to do. He wanted her, and he would do anything to have her but the problem was that he didn't know where to start. How did one go about something like this? How did one make someone who once loved you, love you once again? How did one turn hatred into love? He guessed in the same way that love had turned into hatred. He stepped into the warm water after washing and rolled the aching muscles of his shoulders. The always ached, and so did his neck. It had to be the lack of sleep every night. But that was his penance. Sleepless nights were nothing compared to the anger and hurt he'd caused the ones who loved him. His penance for being blind and abandoning his honor in pursuit of selfish glory. He was guilty of having too much pride. He took a deep breath hoping to calm himself. Maybe he should head down to the temple and meditate. He hadn't done that in a while, and maybe it would help him figure some things out.

He thought back to earlier that morning when he had seen Misao cleaning the tables. He felt worthless being in her presence. How could he have ever even entertained the thought of having her by his side when she was so much better than himself? He wanted nothing more than to gain back all that he had lost, but he didn't know how to do it. It would never be the same, he knew that, but he wished that things could be better than they were now. He longed for the feel of Misao's breath against his lips, the warmth of her hands on his body. He longed to feel her pressed against him, not in a sexual way but in a loving embrace that had nothing to do with lust. He just needed her warmth, her innocence. He needed to be cleansed of his sins. He was guilty of many sins but was he not deserving of forgiveness too?

* * *

How could he just stand there and look at her with those eyes of his? How dare he offer to help her? He couldn't have known what that small, simple little encounter had done to her. He couldn't have known how the richness of his voice had sent shivers down her spine and made her skin rise up in goose bumps.

Misao fisted her hand and slammed it against the surface of the table she was cleaning, the same one she had been cleaning all morning. "Damn you! Why do you do this to me? Why do I still react this way when your near?" she whispered into the empty restaurant. She was only too glad the rest of the household had not woken yet because she was seething.

Her walls were ready to come down, to crumble. She would hate herself for the rest of her life if she gave in. She couldn't love him anymore. He had hurt so many people. It was wrong to love such a person. It was wrong to love Shinomori Aoshi more than anything, more than life itself.

Why was it so hard to expel him from her heart? Why was it so painful to even try?

"I will not become your victim again. I will not let my love for you cloud my judgement as it once did," she promised to the empty room. "I've seen and felt what you can do. I've seen the real you, I've seen what you really are behind those eyes and that calm exterior. You're a monster and I can't love you. But I can't help myself."

Tbc…

AN: I can already tell this isn't going to be a happy story. That's not to say it won't have a happy ending… and I'm not promising a happy ending either! Anyway, please review.


	4. Love and Understanding

AN: It's been forever, I know. Sorry. If you want to know why it's taken me so long to update then go to my bio page and find out. On another note, I have like no idea where I'm going with this fic. Yeah. This is just like a trial/last attempt at a fic. I want to see what I can do before I finally give up writing fanfiction for good.

Chapter Four: Love and Understanding

"Misao," called Okina softly to his granddaughter. She was sitting quietly by the pond in the garden.

She smiled softly at him and motioned for him to sit down next to her. He did and took her soft hands in his old, roughened ones.

"What is it?" she asked him.

He looked at her with an affectionate gaze then turned his eyes to her hands in his, preparing the words he wanted to say. "Misao, I have known since you were, and you may not be my flesh and blood but I could not love you anymore, you do know this, right?" he said guardedly.

She looked confused. "Of course I do. I could not love you anymore either if you were truly my grandfather. But what is this about?"

Okina sighed. "I've watched you grow from a child into a wonderful woman, Misao. You are everything anyone would ever want in a daughter, a friend. You are more than anything a man could ever want in a wife, my child. And that is why it pains me to see you suffer."

Misao shook her head in denial. "But I don't suffer..." she said trailing off. Immediately knowing it was futile trying to deceive her grandfather.

"My little Misao, your eyes are so expressive. You guard your emotions so well, but you cannot fool this old man. I've lived too long, I've seen too much and I know too well. You can't hide it. I have seen your mask almost crumble when he is near. I can see the confusion in your eyes even though he does not. Don't end up crippled like Aoshi."

"How can you ask me that?" she said frantically. "Because of his selfishness members of our family died. I owe them honor and respect! I owe them this. I can't forgive him," she said, tears falling gently down her cheeks.

Okina wiped the tears from her eyes and lifted her chin up for her eyes to meet his old, wizened ones. "Yes you can, but you just can't forgive yourself for having forgiven him. You love him, don't punish him or yourself for things that happened in the past. _They_ have forgiven him and bless your love."

Misao shook her head. Having someone tell her that she was wrong, that what she felt was wrong was confusing. Having Okina tell her that it wasn't wrong of her to love Aoshi should have made her feel elated, but it did not. It just served to make her feel even more confused. For four years she had forced herself to hate Aoshi. Never truly succeeding, but never letting her love for him cloud her resolution. She brought her tearful eyes back to her grandfather's, finding a love and understanding that spoke volumes. She saw in his eyes that he truly believed in her love for Aoshi.

"He loves you, Misao. Heal him and let him heal you in return. Please don't let things stay this way. I can't stand to see you suffer, and I can see his suffering as well. Don't let your anger keep you from what will make you happy. Talk this out with him. I'm sure that you will find things out you never knew," Okina said. He rose from his seat beside her and walked back to the house. Hoping that she would listen to his advice and that she would at least talk to Aoshi.

Misao still sat there, her heart beating wildly and confused in her chest. Wondering fervently is her grandfather was right. For years she had believed that loving Aoshi was wrong, but now she wasn't so sure. Could she really be denying herself the only chance at being happy? Could her love really heal her wounds and his sins? She stood up from the ground and dusted herself off. Without a second thought she walked back to the Aoiya.

* * *

He sat alone in his room like he often did. He did not go to the temple as often anymore. He didn't know why. But he thought that maybe it was because when he meditated all he saw were the faces of his friends contorted into masks of hatred and anger. And he saw Misao, the old Misao that always had a smile for him just beyond his reach, and he could never catch her.

His soul was tortured. His being was tortured, and even his mind was tortured. He could never have a restful night of sleep. He was always plagued by bad thoughts. His sins made him believe that maybe he didn't deserve to be happy. That maybe he didn't deserve Misao or her forgiveness. It was his penance to have the only person that had ever truly loved him, abhor him.

He was startled out of his thoughts by the footsteps that stopped outside his door. There was a soft, hesitant knock. Intrigued he bid the person to enter. To his great surprise it was Misao on the other side of the door. She looked straight at him and said softly, "Dinner is ready."

He sat there, too shocked to say anything for a few seconds before getting his mouth to move and form the words, "Thank you." She left immediately, and he couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe things had just taken a big turn, and hopefully for the better.

He rose from the floor and walked to the dining room, a tiny flame of hope coming alive in his chest.

Tbc…

AN: You think they're horribly OOC? I hope you guys like this. Um, I don't know when this will get updated. Sorry. I've had all summer to update and I haven't, now I have to go back to school in like three weeks. And I'm so sorry that these chapters are so short, but I already said that they're not going to be long. Also I'm moving. My parents bought a new house for us and we're moving in the next four-five weeks. I'm excited. Anyway, please review.


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